Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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