The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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