dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
