You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
