Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
