My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
