How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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