its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
