also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
