so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
