my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
