She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
