We won't sleep together?
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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