My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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