Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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