Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize