mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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