He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Everclear isn't food dammit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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