Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
