I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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