3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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