i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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