fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Randomize
