Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
