Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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