ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
