Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize