Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
