just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
