I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
