I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
