i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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