i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My penis needs a shock collar
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
