he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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