mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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