If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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