I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize