you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
