why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
