stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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