My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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