if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
