awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
