Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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