this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
