My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
