He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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