none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
