I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize