and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
