I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
