1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
