So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
