Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
