I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
