Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
