Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
