Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
