oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
