he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
