an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
