Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
